31 IN 2019

Thirty was exciting. Shiny and new. I had a brand-new job with a fancy title. Found and decided on my human. We moved into a dreamy new home. I was so sure that all of the happiness was coming. That I was “there.” All boxes, checked.

What the year really was, was hard. A relationship deepening. A job testing me to what felt like my absolute outer limit. An apartment I spent most of my adult life dreaming about sat empty for months because I lacked the mental capacity to make it ours. I was right. Happiness did come, but not easily. I worked and waded through what felt like a lifetime of very hard personal, emotional and spiritual work (with lots of help).

I found stride doing hard things that not too long ago were only dreams. I made it happen, even when it truly felt impossible. I got real in new ways and for that I’m most proud. This year was a real growth spurt, filled with middle-of-the-night pains that only hot showers and time can fix.

Here at thirty-one, I experience a strange freezing. What’s next? Thankfully, this unknown feeling is somewhat familiar. I felt something similar in my early 20s. The future and how to get what I wanted totally perplexed me. The few things I was sure of, seemed very faraway.  

As it does, a path slowly emerged. I lost it and then found it again. And now, here I am a decade later looking back proud but mostly feeling like “WTF HOW?” Feels like a miracle, honestly.

So here I am again. Asking, begging, “Now what?”

I have a theory that 2019 will be my absolute best. That big statement is grounded in very little other than a “feeling” and that I have to believe that last year was hard for a reason. I know I’ve been preparing for what’s coming. Whatever that is.

I’m optimistically clueless.

For the first time ever I’m simply letting it ride. Things have happened in my life that I couldn’t imagine, yet deep down knew would come. I lean in more fully, with the evidence from the past. Now I trust. Trust the miracles, if you will.

 
 
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Hey! I'm Blair.

Creative. Producer. Student of the Universe

Dedicated to proving that dreams come true.

You can have what you want.

#hereitallcomes

 

San Francisco life + style blog. Sourcing culture. Celebrating community, honesty and growth. Feelings. Food. Events. SF.

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