31 IN 2019

Thirty was exciting. Shiny and new. I had a brand-new job with a fancy title. Found and decided on my human. We moved into a dreamy new home. I was so sure that all of the happiness was coming. That I was “there.” All boxes, checked.

What the year really was, was hard. A relationship deepening. A job testing me to what felt like my absolute outer limit. An apartment I spent most of my adult life dreaming about sat empty for months because I lacked the mental capacity to make it ours. I was right. Happiness did come, but not easily. I worked and waded through what felt like a lifetime of very hard personal, emotional and spiritual work (with lots of help).

I found stride doing hard things that not too long ago were only dreams. I made it happen, even when it truly felt impossible. I got real in new ways and for that I’m most proud. This year was a real growth spurt, filled with middle-of-the-night pains that only hot showers and time can fix.

Here at thirty-one, I experience a strange freezing. What’s next? Thankfully, this unknown feeling is somewhat familiar. I felt something similar in my early 20s. The future and how to get what I wanted totally perplexed me. The few things I was sure of, seemed very faraway.  

As it does, a path slowly emerged. I lost it and then found it again. And now, here I am a decade later looking back proud but mostly feeling like “WTF HOW?” Feels like a miracle, honestly.

So here I am again. Asking, begging, “Now what?”

I have a theory that 2019 will be my absolute best. That big statement is grounded in very little other than a “feeling” and that I have to believe that last year was hard for a reason. I know I’ve been preparing for what’s coming. Whatever that is.

I’m optimistically clueless.

For the first time ever I’m simply letting it ride. Things have happened in my life that I couldn’t imagine, yet deep down knew would come. I lean in more fully, with the evidence from the past. Now I trust. Trust the miracles, if you will.


Hey! I'm Blair.

Creative. Producer. Student of the Universe

Dedicated to proving that dreams come true.

You can have what you want.



San Francisco life + style blog. Sourcing culture. Celebrating community, honesty and growth. Feelings. Food. Events. SF.

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