There were two epic blowouts in my 20s. Breakdowns that were explosive and left truly radiant wakes. Looking back on the last ten years, I am now so thankful for these failures. 

The first failure brought me home. I quit a life to move to the bay. The epiphany of "wow this isn't right" was slow to realize and required a push from those who love me most. I was so caught up. 

In the end, I broke the heart, quit the job and moved from Arizona back to Northern California. I was still lost when I was finally back, but I dedicated myself to becoming the person I wanted to be.

How? I adopted "The Happiness Project" theory: pick an area of my life, each month, that I want to improve. It worked. I was the girl who knew how to make dinner. Who went to the gym. Who went out dancing on a school night. Walked to work. I built this urban lifestyle that was only a longing a year prior.

Clearly, I had so many lessons to learn, and wow, I changed. While building my dream life will always take effort, this was truly the start of the life I am so proud of now. 

Then, a few years later, the job didn’t work out. I worked hard in a role that I thought I wanted. Gave my life to it. Two years of experience was gained, but the real learning came when it was time to leave.

This forced me to come eye to eye with the darkest place inside me. A depression that can only come after failure. As a life-long perfectionist, this shook my identity. I was rocked at my core.

Many months off, long stints in other cities, lost friendships, asserting my boundaries, lots of therapy and the kindness from those who loved me built me back up. I "randomly" fell into a dream job and I discovered my desire to blog. I became whole in a new way. I became more me.

This was a slow process. It's easy to look back and summarize. But in both cases, I couldn't see a clear way out. I was so lost. 

I tell these stories to prove that being broken allowed me the most beautiful opportunity to put my life back together. These times of depression weren't permanent. I believe that life can fall into place better after huge failures. There is a way out!

It's ok to be messy. It's ok to not be ok sometimes. Shining some light over to any of you on the other side of the screen who are lost or in transition. It gets better. 

So. 30. A number I never considered as a kid, because I would be too old for dreams. That my life would already be complete. I’m proud to admit that I will likely never be complete and that my learning has just begun. 

I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I am so thankful for the luck, but I know most of this joy is from the hard work. I know these failures were meant to teach me and I consider that the real luck. 

*Photo taken by, my friend, JD Hudson.

Happy Blair

Hey! I'm Blair.

Creative. Producer. Student of the Universe

Dedicated to proving that dreams come true. 

You can have what you want.



San Francisco life + style blog. Sourcing culture. Celebrating community, honesty and growth. Feelings. Food. Events. SF.

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